hush now...

I hate wondering if someone I love might be using me, simply because it's happened in the past and I can't completely understand all their actions. Everybody hates who they become sometimes, and i believe everybody wish so hard to change back to their old self. Jealousy, fights, and misconception and misunderstanding. I don't like the people they become when they're arguing. Perhaps the strangest thing is they could be laughing together in the next moment. Still, it festers inside, because it's not resolved, and it can't be. They want too badly to change each other, so that they are with their "ideal" person. I don't want to want that. If I'm in love with someone, I don't want him to feel like I am trying to change him. And i want him to understand there are some things i dont wish to become but some issues made me that way. That i am fragile though i might tough talk, that i need help. That if i could become this, with help, i could 'un'become it. I want to love unconditionally, no terms, without border. To feel whole..I don't want to be with someone who yells at me. I can't stand that. I can't stand loud, violent noises, and I can't stand having my words misconstrued or twisted; deliberately misunderstood. I want someone who will talk to me, who will listen to what I have to say, and understand that what he does affects me, and know that I'm doing my best to take that into consideration with my actions, even though I won't always succeed.I don't want to settle for less than intensely real love. Love in terms of: compassion, understanding, communication and desire. I want it all. I want to be able to stand in the midst of a rainstorm, staring skyward and talking to the moon, thinking only of him, because the intensity of the feelings evoked within me are only matched by what I feel for him. Not only that, though- I want it to be reciprocated. I want to know that he considers my feelings, so that even when something does hurt me, I won't have to stop to be angry, because I'll know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally upset me. I want to never go to sleep angry, never part with angry words, and always feel like I can talk absolutely openly with him, even if he might not like my words. And if i might not too.
I'd sacrifise for him...so, hush now Nadia...hush....

time f***s me slow

Time f***s me slowly.....
Time wears thin and through,
Stopping only to take
Everything that it can.

Time fucks me slowly.
I feel it's essence,
A new pressence.
I feel it's heat flowing
Through my entire soul.

Time fucks me slowly.
A never ending pleasure,
A passion that I will
Never remember and
Never forget.

Time fucks me slowly,
Sometimes taking more
Than I can give.
Though sometimes I realize
That I give more
Than I should.

it aint hard.

Have you ever heard of that saying "You dont know what their worth until their gone"? I heard it more than I need to. I dont know who thought of this saying, but in my own oppinion, you dont relize what you've got until its gone, you realize it right then and there. If you cant see that you dont realize the obvious.
Living any life isn't easy, no matter how much paradise you may live in. Everyone has issues, or a problem they cant find their way out of.
Me on the other hand I deal with a lot of problems, day after day. You become desperate to get that OK feeling again, and who hasnt. I may never know why I, or better yet we may never know why we go through the shit we go through, but maybe its for the better, but I really cant say. No one has the answers to everything, and if we did, I dont think there would be such thing as islam, catholics, christians, jews you name it.
I'm full of regret, and probably would give anything to change my mistakes, but hey I cant. Maybe that's why the world goes around. Every day is different from every other one, if any one day repeated more than once then that would take the fun outta life, everyday should be a surprise, and hopefully not a disappointment. Lately Ive been focusing on the negativity out of my day to life but who cant. When Its so easy to be traumatized by the littlest of problems. Instead of moving on I forget, block it out. I guess its a condition, because my mind doesn't want to accept the pain, so instead of leaving it behind me I act like it was never there. Sad huh?
I lose touch with people that way.......

moolah!

Bitching about money below. Don't read:
I count on the extra money that I earn. I budget that for stuff like clothes and the watch I want, etc. I believe I should be paid in a timely manner for the work that I do, and yet, I always seem to be waiting, while the amount of what I need gets larger and larger. I cover my bills, gas, food and all, but little is left over from my salary. It sucks to have few bucks in your bank account, and yet have people who owe from you several hundred dollars.
I shouldn't bitch too much. I get by just fine on the money that I earn from the weird hours portion of my life. It's sometimes a pain in the ass, but generally I enjoy going to work in the morning, or afternoon (but I enjoyed most the morning). I'm not starving. I'm saving money for the first time in my life, but still... fucking people dragging their feet to give me my money just sucks. And then I start wondering what I can do to be assured that this will not happen next month, what brought me to this place...
Most people in the world don't live as well as I do. We are wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice when compared to people historically. I can eat better on 8 dollars a day than, say, King Henry VIII ate for a literal king's ransom. (and I never chopped off anyone's head, either)
--- Number one of the four noble truths of the Buddha-
"Life is Suffering." (that's aite, honey)

i hate rainy day..

It's raining heavily outside.
I hate a rainy day.
It makes me lonely and so weak.
I hate a rainy day.
It makes me catch a cold.
I hate a rainy day.
It makes me think of you.
I really hate a rainy day.
Great time for a suicide.
Yeah, maybe I would.
But I'll miss.
The taste of rainy day.

its hard..

I was so blissfully unaware of how empty
and miserable my life was before him.

And now I'm painfully aware of how lonely
and empty my life really is.

Sometimes i wish I'd never ever,
laid eyes on him but only, only for a second...