hush now...

I hate wondering if someone I love might be using me, simply because it's happened in the past and I can't completely understand all their actions. Everybody hates who they become sometimes, and i believe everybody wish so hard to change back to their old self. Jealousy, fights, and misconception and misunderstanding. I don't like the people they become when they're arguing. Perhaps the strangest thing is they could be laughing together in the next moment. Still, it festers inside, because it's not resolved, and it can't be. They want too badly to change each other, so that they are with their "ideal" person. I don't want to want that. If I'm in love with someone, I don't want him to feel like I am trying to change him. And i want him to understand there are some things i dont wish to become but some issues made me that way. That i am fragile though i might tough talk, that i need help. That if i could become this, with help, i could 'un'become it. I want to love unconditionally, no terms, without border. To feel whole..I don't want to be with someone who yells at me. I can't stand that. I can't stand loud, violent noises, and I can't stand having my words misconstrued or twisted; deliberately misunderstood. I want someone who will talk to me, who will listen to what I have to say, and understand that what he does affects me, and know that I'm doing my best to take that into consideration with my actions, even though I won't always succeed.I don't want to settle for less than intensely real love. Love in terms of: compassion, understanding, communication and desire. I want it all. I want to be able to stand in the midst of a rainstorm, staring skyward and talking to the moon, thinking only of him, because the intensity of the feelings evoked within me are only matched by what I feel for him. Not only that, though- I want it to be reciprocated. I want to know that he considers my feelings, so that even when something does hurt me, I won't have to stop to be angry, because I'll know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally upset me. I want to never go to sleep angry, never part with angry words, and always feel like I can talk absolutely openly with him, even if he might not like my words. And if i might not too.
I'd sacrifise for him...so, hush now Nadia...hush....