You ready?

So, you want to change the world, yes? A frequent topic for the younger generations is the notion of wanting to change or save the world. It is a beautiful aim, one that we should consider in our own life's purpose.

I have been blessed these couple of months to be given opportunities to attend many great environmental/ global conferences and being in the presence of (I consider them as) amazing individuals, people who dedicate their minds and their life waking up every morning thinking 'how can I play the part in making the world a better place'. Many of us are driven to be a hero and be someone who makes a significant difference in a world of 6.8 billion. But how can one person, one single entity create such change in a world so big?

Helping others is kindness in action and could be admirable. Then again it could be more about ego than spirit. We have projects to work on, children to take care of, and others issues to listen to. When you take on a project, consider why you are doing it and just how much of your ego is involved. I myself did my part; from giving up meat , stop myself from buying stuff that supposedly make me look younger, to pissing in the shower to save 4 gallons of water from flushing the toilet. In smaller ways of course, but has made a huge difference in my life. But most importantly, I played a part and damn, it feels soooo gooood.. Accomplish good because it is needed and remain anonymous. This is not about you. It’s about the rest of the Universe. Be quiet, but create awareness. Do something when needed. No need to sound a horn.
It’s taken me a while to come around to minimalism. Deciding to choose to have less, buy less, worry about less is not always the trendiest thing to do and yet it makes me feel content. I guess that it is easier for me than for some because I have come to a point in my life that I don’t care as much about others opinion and I don’t have friends that are shallow. Don’t get me wrong. None of my friends are minimalist. They all strain about fitting in sufficient activities to fill a year in one short month and they love having stuff just like most the rest of the world but they don’t seem to mind the changes in my life and when it comes down to being genuine they are the best people anywhere.

But really, truth of the matter is... you have already changed the world. You accomplish so by just existing. Every choice you make creates some sort of change. The question is... do you change the world for better or for worse? Come to peace with the fact that perhaps changing the world may simply be extending a loving gesture to a stranger. Hold the door for others, smile to the hardworking guards who never fail to raise their hand when you enter the gate. Love yourself and believe it. Coz I believe we don’t have the lifespan of the mountains, and yet they die before us. And we watch and witness it. We don’t have the seconds to waste waiting for other people to move us. Start small. Yes, it is slow but it’s about pairing patience with passion that will make mountains move.

a hate poem

I wont lie.

I was scared,
doubtful,
unnerved,
I was out of my element out of my shell and yet,
I couldn’t care less.

I should've cared.

When its good, its orgasmic.
When its shit, I was disemboweled.

I'm distracted,
shredded,
skinned alive,
hurt.
It wasn't funny anymore.

I love you.

And,

I hate it.

Strip Naked

I am a hypocrite in the face of my own insecurity.

O, Insecurity, you curious beast...how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

I hate when the fear of perceived rejection paralyzes and weakens me. I hate when ridiculous and irrational thoughts crawl out of my brain and swirl around my mind. I hate that, even though I recognize their absurdity, those thoughts still lead me to a place of withdrawal. I turn inward and circle the wagons, determined not to risk rejection again.

But then I always do...risk rejection again, I mean. Because, in spite of my insecurity, being open to possibility lifts my spirit and fills me with joy. I love that moment of optimism and hopeful expectation when possibilities seem endless. I love when I am not bogged down with doubt. So I try to find the courage to offer my support, my friendship, my talents, before insecurity silences me.

Thus, I'm determine to shut it off, totally.

I don't live life that way, I chose to blind myself with the ideas/ thoughts I created rather than what I have- until it became what I had. I wanna be confident and grateful with what I'm blessed with, not putting ridiculous thoughts in my head and choose to even consider believing it. I don't wanna live everyday being sad and pathetic any more. And I need no insecurities bastards in my life either.

I need to know he's man enough to believe and trust that I love him, and solely him. He needs to understand that it kills me to hurt him, thus hurting him is not even possible to do. He needs to respect spaces for love to grow and for us to know each other better, and awkward ridiculous insecurities questions, are fucked up shits and fucking childish.

Again, I am blessed. He adores me for who I am, and never fails to make me laugh. Again, I block it. I can't afford to have it now, I am mentally and spiritually unable. But somehow, I kinda let him in a lil' bit. I let it slide and seep in slowly till I'm totally covered in it. I think I am...

Sometimes it's best to lock up your heart

And to curl up in bed like a ball

Afraid of the dark and the beat of your heart

Frightened in case you may fall

But now I'm taking the risk, walking to the switch

Turning on the light and letting you see me

Here I am with the key.

These teasing...

Was it just yesterday,the first
time I let you?(No, that is a lie.)
I WILLED you to unbutton my blouse.

I dared you,with one look,to slide
your hand up.Damn the torpedo's!
Damn those good girl brittle rules.

"Break me! Like my shell makes
no difference at all. Open me
like a egg, crack me,wide."

Such a thin space
veiled with skin
between you and I.

So,it was, me waiting for
you,for your fingers to come.
For you, to pick that button.

Tawa Dalam Tawan: An Honest Review.

Tawa Dalam Tawan
(build and read by Zahiril Adzim)

Ke hadapan bintang jatuh,
yang melintas melintangi pandangan aku,
dan merempuh tembok kewarasan,
hingga hancur segala cita,
yang merangkak aku cipta.
berhari,
berminggu,
berbulan
bertahun,umurnya.

Dan kini, mengesot aku mengutip,
Serpihan cita yang berderai, berkecai, terburai, terkulai,
yang berselerak jaraknya.
Lalu aku ambil satu persatu
Dan aku kumpul dan aku bina semula,
menjadi seperti sedia kala.
Dengan rasa yang hina,
setelah diperlaku kejam oleh kerabat dia.
Yang kononnya mengaku sedia tahu,
mengaku maha tahu.
Kepala hotak lu.

Apa ucap kau hari itu?
Apa laku kau hari itu?
Apa rasa kau hari itu?
Apa fikir kau hari itu?

Simpan sahaja jawapan untuk otak bahalolmu itu.

Aku mengerti bahawa kita diternak,
Aku, kau, dia, kamu, kita, mereka dan kami semuanya adalah ternakan.
Oleh sekumpulan dewa yang kerjanya berpesta,
Sambil merompak nasi pagi, nasi petang, nasi malam!
Itu semua nasi kita!
Yang memaksa tangisan anak terlaung kuat,
kerana bapaknya tidak mampu beli susu.
Lalu ditembak mati kerana terpaksa mencuri,
rebah terbujur di lantai pasaraya,
mengalirkan darah perit hidupnya,
dan disaksikan oleh sang isteri yang meraung sia - sia.

Tapi ada dia peduli?
Kalau bukan keluarganya,
Kalau bukan saudara - maranya,
Kalau bukan kawan - kawanya,
Jangan harap dia nak peduli!

Dia menolak akuan bahawa kita ditawan,
Dia menolak akuan bahawa dia ditawan,

Yang mengepit handbag LV berlenggang di Pavillion,
Yang menyarung skinny jeans merokok di Bukit Bintang,
Yang meneguk Chivas di kelab cucuk bintang,
Yang memijak lantai kereta kancil turbo atau lain - lain kereta bikin.
Yang memulas handle RXZ,
Yang menggalas beg ke kuliah,
Yang terperangkap dalam pejabat dari 9 - 5 petang,
Yang melaung protes di jalanraya,
Yang mengira undi pilihanraya.
Yang teruja nak jadi selebriti,
Yang bertekad menjadi penyanyi.
Yang terhegeh berlakon KAMI The Movie.
Apatah lagi yang sedang baca puisi ini.

Kita, semuanya ditawan!
Kau, tertawan.
Aku, tertawan.
Kita, tertawa dalam tertawan,
Ditawan oleh kemodenan,
Ditawan oleh globalisasi!
Ditawan oleh arus dunia realiti!
Terutamanya dewa berkuku besi.

Tidak terasa bagi yang selesa,
Tidak terkesan bagi yang mewah,
Hanya tersedar oleh si kebanyakkan.
Hanya terlihat oleh yang keperitan.

Tak terdaya aku bertindak,
Dengan kebodohannya dan juga lagak,
Kepada syaitan bertopeng alim.
Kononnya mulia, sebenarnya zalim.

Aku biarkan dia dengan wataknya,
Aku biarkan aku dengan lakuku,
Aku biarkan mereka dengan tawanya,
Aku biarkan kami dengan isi hati sendiri.
Kerana aku tiada mampu.

Kehadapan bintang jatuh,
Semoga kamu akan jatuh.
Aku harap tertiarap terus,
Kerana aku mahu kau pergi mampus.

*taken from zahiriladzim.blogspot.com*

Review:

The language in this poem gives proof to the rawest emotions without shying away. Whenever I read something with this brutal beauty I always admire the courage of the poet. I admire your ability to witness the flow of sorrow and anger that accompanies bruised and an ungrateful love. You tell of the feelings associated with unrequited love and yet, underneath - sliding like a frigid thermal under already cold water - there is this sense of betrayal, this sense of 'you made me believe my feelings were returned or I would never have allowed myself to go so far toward loving you'. A definite feel that, had she cared at all, she would have interceded long before your heart was so firmly engaged. That now she had been conquered. Tertawan.

The under-current issue in this poem makes me think hard about the reality of current political climate and how we're too blind or too ignorant to see these 'people' are constantly trying to change and slowly ripping us from our freedom. Change is insidious and the slower it happens, the more people become complacent and accepting until they are trapped. Freedom dies slow but that leaves you the chance to save it, don't you think?

The work though, is stunningly conceived and takes me on a complete spectral journey of well-described injured emotions, the way you able to relate the political amours with how she's unconsciously associated, and how beautiful the connections are, until your finale which is flawlessly described you claiming your strength and admit her foolishness in the final destination of which is that last stanza.

That last verse reads like a matador playing with the deadly horns of the bull. There is such injured pride contained in that last verse, yet a proud man still stands tall, even if mortally wounded by savagely wounded love.

Very heavy with emotion. The contrasts of the two sides...ending in pure intensity and pain.

Can love be this devastating...Oh YES!

Tetapi Zahiril membuktikan ia juga mampu mendewasakan.

meine inneren Gedanken und Gefühl

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.





Closer
No hesitation
Give me
All that you have

And it's been so long, that I can't explain
And it's been so wrong
Right now, so wrong

Naked
My thoughts are creeping
To late
The show has begun

And it's been so long, that I can't confess
And it's been so wrong
Right now, so wrong

Is it all as it seems
So unresolved, so unredeemed
If I remain, how will I know

And it's been so long, that I can't be sure
And it's been so wrong
Right now, so wrong


(and this loneliness, and this paranoia, and this ache, just wont leave me alone...)

Gay-ness?

Well, as if I really gave a shit what people thought, but here's something to discuss that I thought might be of interest to people even if they didn't agree with it.

HOMOSEXUALITY. Have I scared enough people with that word yet? How about these- lesbian, gay, dyke, fairy, butch, and the ever constant if not uncreative and insulting... homo. How am I doing so far???

Well here' something else to stir up the senses, how about Gay pride not being fit for the Parliament or the President? Now I know some of you, in your 'orang batu' views still find homosexuality a horrible thing (unless of course, gentlemen, it's two supermodel blondes -correct me if I am wrong with that assumption please). But let's skip to the 20th century. Even if we didn't, homosexuality would still be here because it was even in this world when Shakespeare was around, and even further back then that.

I find the idea that people can be so close minded as to say that homosexuality is unacceptable and a taboo, well...Full of Shit, to put it politely. Not to mention, Bullheaded. Who are we to judge other people? We are not Gods, far beneath it in fact, and I think it's humorous to try to present it as such. What is everyone so afraid of? Gay vibes flowing out and zapping people in the ass and turning everyone around us gay? I don't understand this fear.. Let me rephrase that, I understand the fear (or at least try to) but I don't understand the hate. I understand that it is human nature to fear what you don't understand, but when that fear leads to hate...that is what I don't understand.

Type in the words HATE CRIME...see the truth about what is going on in the world. Hide in your ignorance and fear and lose the chance to understand just how insane this world is. You'll find horrible statistics (and yes this is including racial hate crimes as well) horrible crimes of brutality that would shock even the most knowledgeable person.

Personally, I think a lot of it is people's fears of their own sexuality. People have to learn to deal with things that are different, whether it be sex, skin color, or sexual preference. I felt sick listening to one story about this kononnya a 'godly' band, having a 'godly' concert and actually have the courtesy to announce, before the show, that for "all the gays and lesbians that present here, we want you to leave. Coz we hate homos"! Are fucking kidding me?

Firstly, ask yourself: who are you to 'double-standard' a person, and who the hell are you to determine and criticized how people choose to live their lives? Most importantly, who the fuck are you to shut, to deny, or to refuse their opportunity in life and their rights to choose where to be and what to do?

*Homophobia is so Gay*