I am a hypocrite in the face of my own insecurity.
O, Insecurity, you curious beast...how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...
I hate when the fear of perceived rejection paralyzes and weakens me. I hate when ridiculous and irrational thoughts crawl out of my brain and swirl around my mind. I hate that, even though I recognize their absurdity, those thoughts still lead me to a place of withdrawal. I turn inward and circle the wagons, determined not to risk rejection again.
But then I always do...risk rejection again, I mean. Because, in spite of my insecurity, being open to possibility lifts my spirit and fills me with joy. I love that moment of optimism and hopeful expectation when possibilities seem endless. I love when I am not bogged down with doubt. So I try to find the courage to offer my support, my friendship, my talents, before insecurity silences me.
Thus, I'm determine to shut it off, totally.
I don't live life that way, I chose to blind myself with the ideas/ thoughts I created rather than what I have- until it became what I had. I wanna be confident and grateful with what I'm blessed with, not putting ridiculous thoughts in my head and choose to even consider believing it. I don't wanna live everyday being sad and pathetic any more. And I need no insecurities bastards in my life either.
I need to know he's man enough to believe and trust that I love him, and solely him. He needs to understand that it kills me to hurt him, thus hurting him is not even possible to do. He needs to respect spaces for love to grow and for us to know each other better, and awkward ridiculous insecurities questions, are fucked up shits and fucking childish.
Again, I am blessed. He adores me for who I am, and never fails to make me laugh. Again, I block it. I can't afford to have it now, I am mentally and spiritually unable. But somehow, I kinda let him in a lil' bit. I let it slide and seep in slowly till I'm totally covered in it. I think I am...
